What do you say?
A day that will never come and yet has already past.
I’m writing this letter to you because, simply put, I miss you. But I don’t know exactly what to say. What do you say to the guy you just broke up with to preserve your sanity and health? That’s not to say you drove me crazy. It’s quite the opposite in fact. You were the best. You always put my mind at ease and soothed my soul. But in the end, there were things I wouldn’t compromise on for my sake and I didn’t want to change you. To be more specific, I didn’t want you to change for me. I wanted you to change for you.
So what do you say to the great guy who’s heart you may have just broken? I’m sorry? While that may be true, what good does an apology do you. After all I’ve already said I’m sorry before, and just because I’m apologetic for the hurt I have caused, does not mean we will get back together. And I don’t want to get your hopes up only to send them plummeting back down. That’s too cruel, however sincere my apology may be.
What about I love you? No. While that is also true and I do mean that from the bottom of my heart, I have a feeling knowing that will also only cause more pain and confusion. So then, how about I hate you? Can’t say that either because that would be a lie. And we grew our relationship in a garden of honesty and I want to honor that beautiful place.
If I said I want to be friends? Would that cause you more heartache too? But that’s really what I want. I want us without all the complications of romance. But now that we’ve had romance, can we really be just friends?
See how everything I think of to say seems like a bad idea?
What do you say to the person you want to call at the end of the day just to share your victories and sorrows with? What do you say to the guy you want to hold you when you cry? What do you say to the one you feel at home with but know you can’t be with? What do you say to make it all better? What do you say?
I guess all I can say is the truth inside my heart. The hardest part will be not sending this letter, for fear of hurting you, or losing you, or making this, whatever this is, harder on both of us. But I know I have to say it, even if it will never reach you.
My truth is: I miss you. I love you. I think about you all the time. I wonder how you are, what you’re doing, and if maybe you’re thinking of me too. I wish we were just right for one another, but I know we aren’t quite there. I hope we can be friends. I hope we can hug. I hope we can confide in one another without dying a little on the inside each time. I hope my occasional texts don’t hurt you even though I know they might and yet selfishly still send them just to see if you’re alright; just to talk with you for even just a moment; just to reassure myself you were real, are real. My truth is you will always be in my heart. And I am so glad we met; so glad we loved each other; so glad to have known you.
Last but not least, I want to say thank you for all that you have opened my eyes to. I wish you all the best in your quest for eternal love. May your journey be one filled with genuine people and everlasting memories.